A Chasm of Lonliness

Today was a very lonely one. Woke up and wrote the blog entry on Nuclear War and the rest of the day I basically floated around. Didn't really talk or see anyone.

I did go shopping with my brother, but admittingly he can be incredibly annoying and kept telling me to chill out (but its interesting that he gets just as annoyed as I do, but he really is cool and quite chill). And after we got all the items we went to pay with my parents debit card but non of us got it because we figured the other one got it. So we drove back and got the card and everything was payed for. We then went and saw Hancock, which was not the greatest film but overall I would give it 2.5 *'s out of 4, so it was decent.

I then went on a walk and fell asleep on a field, which was nice. But at the same time I felt so alone: with the leg, my thoughts, my feelings, my cares- I felt detached almost. I also didn't feel like myself. Its probably due to Lyrica, which is a medication that I take for my leg, and this is not the first time something like this has happened (it was when I took gabapentin). Basically it just feels like my mind is clouded and I'm not able to make connections like I used to. Plus Savvi (I texted her today cause she was sick) was even able to notice it over text so its quite apparent. What gets me is that I have insight into the whole situation, while otherwise (i.e. no insight) it wouldn't really be a problem because I wouldn't have realized that I was not myself.

But that was basically my day: complete and utterly nothing.

The Power of Man...To Destroy

The human race is a very beautiful one. Its full of diversity, opinion, religions, interests and races (amongst other things.) As we grew and devloped, groping with our enviroment- adapting, changing, learning- achievements were born that were never seen again and are truely magnificent on any scale. As the human intellect was fostered we became like little children in a candy shop, eager to engage on what resources we had to build, create beautiful things. Or destroy beautiful things.

I had a dream last night about nuclear war, and all I can remember is the nuclear weapons were in boxes that were dropped as supplies. This truely shook me up, but also stirred my curiosity. I went on the web and watched nuclear weapon tests from several countries, mainly the US, Russia and China. I have an intimate knowledge into the workings of both nuclear fusion and fission, both on a conceptual and technical level, but the power that I saw in my dreams and on these videos (it would seem that the videos showed my dream to be pretty accurate in the description of the nuclear blast, assuming the videos were real) but I was still amazed at the awesome power that I was witnessing. It was a bitter sweet feeling: I actually was excited because it was amazing that a species of animal could really build such a weapon and develop the theories that made the weapon a reality but at the same time I felt a sinking feeling in my stomach because such awesome power was actually used as a weapon.

I feel that such use of knowldege is abusive of our intellectual rights-and the humane rights of others. At the same time I don't particularly have a problem with what happened at Hiroshima and Nagasaki in a practical sense: it was perhaps necessary to stop World War II (I have doubts about that though, but it did actually stop it). One drawback of the Japanese nuclear bombings is introduced the concept of a nuclear reaction as a weapon inflicted on other human beings into the international circuit and so, considering extemes, any leader with enough resources could bring about the death of thousands of individuals with one bomb. It truely is a power that one should respect and be reverent about- but its human nature not to be that way. It makes sense to me that if one country used a nuclear weapon on another's people, then a retaliation in self defense would ensue with a launch of a nuclear weapon (or if that particular country did not have the resources or the actual weapon some other country would out of fear) and it would be similar to a game of tag until either all the weapons were exhausted or the human race was extinguished or endangered. One could argue that a peaceful negotiation would be constructed and the bombing would have stopped before either of the two cases presented; and perhaps it would be that way but the way I understand some countries have a "counter nuclear attack" system where if that country is attacked then in self defense they would counter with even more attacks then the country that attacked, a sort of destroy you or punish you before you do more harm to me. Thus, if I am correct with how I understand the system, it would seem that a large amount of damage would have been done by the time of the negotiations and maybe even too late. Whats even more petrifying is that a country leader, such as a dictator, could order a nuclear strike on a whim or out of instantaneus emotion or rage and not out of careful thought (but I also feel that if one used careful and rational thought one would not actually USE nuclear weapons except out of self defence, as I figure was Wilson's rationale for the Japanese bombings.)

I don't necessarily dwell on these issues, but I try not to be naive about it either. The suspicions of nuclear weapons in Communist countries, though a year or two in the past, still pose a real threat and it would not come to any surprise to me at all if the world, and America in particular, fell into another Cold War. At the same time one has to wonder if it is an actual issue, and I would argue that it is to a certain degree. One accident, spiteful order precise attack could thrust the world into a conflict in which it could never recover, and that is my worst fear- man's own ability to destroy themselves and the surrounding enviroment.

A Great Disappointment

When I woke up, and I'm pretty sure other chronic pain suffers can relate, I knew today was going to be a bad day pain wise. My left thigh was incredibly sore, complete with sharp jabs down into my calf and foot and an unrelenting hurricane of impenatrible constant and precise pain in my knee and lateral-anterior (outside and front) thigh. Honestly the only other comparison was when I was hit with the baseball a couple of days ago or on other rare occasions. This was a bad day of bad days.

Trying to get out of bed it was incredibly stiff, and honestly the first reaction I had was to cry. However I didn't and I began to walk over to my cane when I hit the floor because I foolishly put weight on the leg, thus I had to crawl with my arms to get it. I then went over to my medication bottle and took one of my pain pills (hydrocodone/APAP 5-325 mg.). I then went for the door and immediately started pacing my livingroom. It may seem contridictory that pacing would help, but it helps to distract and causes the stiffness to be minimal which helps the pain some. But pacing can only do so much, so I have to sit down some and massage the thigh with my hand.

This pattern continued for literally an hour, pacing every inch that I could of the livingroom over and over, then advancing to the kitch and covering all the ground I could, then advancing to the hallway and go up and down it like a century and then move back into the livingroom to repeat the process. Naturally I would take intermittant breaks to lean against the wall or sit down to massage the leg. It may seems that I am not taking much to treat the pain, but I really can't think of anything that would remotely work at that level of pain. On a scale of 1-10, 1 being the worst, I would say the best I got today was a 7 and at times it would accelerate to a 9. It puts a lot of strain on your body: my pulse would accelerate to 110 or 120 at times (yes I counted and checked), I perspired considerably and my breaths were pathetically shallow. And the frustrating thing is even after taking two of my Hydrocodone's there was no decrease in the pain, except for maybe a little dent in the sharpness of the jabs into my calfs and feet.

Today was not purely filled with pacing, and I can categorize my activities into two groups: home bound and outside the home. Home bound included doing the dishes and I did several excercises of my arms which did help (excercise releases endorphens which in return help pain.) I also air guitar and listen to music quite loudly as an escape, which does help too.

As for the outside the home activies a close friend (she was in the group that went with me to Warp Tour, the ex-girlfriend of the guy) texted me and suggested that we hang out. I was reluctant too because 1. I'm NO fun at all when I'm in a lot of pain and 2. I tend to want to suffer in silence (so to speak), and rarely do I tell others that I'm in pain; but I said Ok since interactions tend to help the pain. However as I was driving over to pick her up, I got a text from Savvi (my best friend who went to Oregon) that she was home! So we made arrangements to pick her up and we all hang together. So we did and we stopped over at Savvi's house and chilled for a while, and then we went out on a walk to a nearby park.

The social dynamics of this group goes as follows: I'm the only guy amongst two girls who are fairly close and have known each other for several years. In addition they haven't seen each other in 10 days and so naturally they had a lot to say to each other, and the ex-girlfriend(named Amanda) does the majority of the speaking at a rapid pace (you must understand that she can be extremely hyperactive and excited which may result in "harmless" violence to me lol). while Savvi listens. At the same time I am in a massive amount of pain and I tend to keep silent at those points because I seriously feel like that if I speak 1. I'll say something harsh and offensive (and I don't want to lash out on these two, however admittingly its tempting on very rare occasions) or 2. I feel like that if I open up I'll open up EVERYTHING, including the supressed emotions and end up crying; hence I'm not very fun (plus I can't really do a whole lot, cause even walking several blocks is a chore.) Savvi knows me very well and recognizes all the body language that suggests I'm in pain and tries to come to start a conversation, but Amanda just continues to speak and any attempt at conversation or attempt to help is lost. This I'm actually ok because Amanda needs to catch up with Savvi and I understand that so it does not particularly bother me, but it can be frustrating on specific occasions. But at times I feel like a third wheel, which is fine with me because their conversations are entertaining and I do enjoy their company very much, and as I said before I prefer suffering alone (but Savvi is essentially the only person I openly tell about my pain, and Amanda if she asks.) I guess the hardest part is that Amanda barrads me with insults and sarcastic remarks, and on occasion Savvi joins in, and it can be overwhelming at times to cope with the pain and the remarks; but at the same time I don't really have much room to talk because I'm the exact way with her, but its difficult sometimes to control my emotions and reactions when they are this way because I'm truely overwhelmed by the pain. It does provide an interesting challenge though, which makes it fun in a sense.

After the park we went over to Amandas place and chilled in her room after walking the dog around her block a couple times. It was interesting and slightly entertaining because 1. Savvi does not like dogs so she would avoid at all costs and 2. the dog was quite big and would pull Amanda from one side of the road to the next so it was like she was a ball in a pinball machine.

In general today was another bitter sweet day: it was GREAT to see Savvi again (although it may not have seemed that way to her because of my intraversion) and its always fun to hang out with Amanda, but at the same time there was a constant sense of wanting to cry and scream from the pain which never seemed to give out which then gave a certain sense of volunerbility on my part and exageration of emotions. I also wish that Savvi and I talked more (in fact throughout the whole ordeal we only spoke at two sentence chunks at a time because she was talking and catching up with Amanda) but it was good to see her happy and Amanda happy.

On Freethinking in Mormonism

What is to follow is an informal account of an essay I intend on writing. I will begin on writing here in order to formulate my thoughts and in hopes of gaining comments from readers.

Testimony in the context of Mormonism is a witness from the Holy Ghost that a belief is true. It would then seem that the only difference betweenj faith in a belief and a testimony in a belief is the manifestation of the Holy Ghost (or the lack of the manifestation.) It is generally taught, in particular by Boyd K. Packer in his talk "The Candle of the Lord," Ensign, Jan. 1983, pp. 54-55, that faith comes first. I would suggest curiosity in the matter develops and that motivates one to challenge what is being taught. This is seen in converts to the church since, generally speaking, there is no social pressure being excerted to just assume the belief is true (this will be discussed later.)

I would then suggest the following: One should not believe a teaching without having reason to suppose that position. Faith, in of itself, is meaningless in its content. For example if I claim "I have faith that there is a teapot between Mars and Jupiter", my proclamation is empty in its claim. However if I taught that there is indeed a teapot between Mars and Jupiter, one can do one of three things: 1. Accept the teaching as a priori true , 2. Accept the teaching as a priori false or 3. Observe between Mars and Jupiter to see if there is indeed a teapot within that vicinity and if there is a teapot, suppose the teaching is true; if not, suppose the teaching is false. I would then argue that options 1 and 2 presented above should not be tolerated on the grounds that without any justification of the validity of the argument, other than it could be justified, one cannot demonstrate if the proposition is true, and one may be able to present evidence to suppose the proposition is false (in the case of 1. NOT observing a teapot, and in the case of 2. Observing a teapot). Thus another formulation of the argument is: Blind faith, or a hope in a belief without justification, is meaningless in content and therefor not significant. This formuation of the argument may seem like a leap but it can be imagined in the following way: Assume that I take position 1. above, or that there is a teapot between Mars and Jupiter either ignorant of any evidence or lacking any evidence to suppose there really is. This would then be blind faith but since there is no evidence provided my belief is meaningless. Now assume that I go up to an astronomer and tell him that there is a teapot between Mars and Jupiter and he questions me how I can possibly know that, but at the lack of a presentation of evidence he simply tells me off because my belief then carries no significance to his work.

The position held above is hardly new; it has been the liberal position for nearly a century. However in the positivist conception (or the philosophy that knowledge can only be obtained through observing evidence) one believe a proposition if and only if one can provide evidence to believe so. But consider the situation in which as one attempted to challenge the teaching of the existence of the teapot one did not have a powerful enough telescope to actually SEE the teapot, so one came to the conclusion that there is indeed no teapot. I would argue that he is right in believing such a position, but it does not necessarily mean he is wrong. But, say that another individual comes along with a more powerful telescope and then spots the teapot. The second individual in a very real sense proved the first indivual wrong. This is called the "Proof of Burden": If I suppose that there is a teapot between Mars and Jupiter, it is one's responsibility not to prove that there is a teapot, but that there isn't one. Thus if you can't prove that my belief is false then there is no reason to suppose it is false. This "Proof of Burden" argument is perfectly consistent with my argument presented above because they both imply the same thing: provide evidence to support your claim. The only difference is that in the positivist viewpoint (i.e. one should provide evidence to support a hypothesis or teaching) one can not know with certainty if one is correct; all one can say is that Evidence A and B support my teaching. On the other hand if one provides evidence directly against a teaching one may know with reasonable certainty the teaching is false. Thus I would suggest testimony be based off skeptical analysis of the teaching.

In the above example a skeptic would look between Mars and Jupiter for the teapot. It should be noted that while one does not believe in a teaching without evidence to support it, the primary argument is that the evidence for the proposition arises from the lack of evidence against the proposition. Therefore if one finds evidence against the proposition then one would logically suppose the proposition was false. It is interesting to note that in the case of God, where there is indeed no evidence to suggest the existence of Him, there is also no evidence to suppose that there is not other than the lack of evidence. Thus one cannot provide direct evidence for either side and one is left in a paradox: one is not to believe in the existence of God since there is no evidence, but at the same time one is not able to provide evidence against the existence of God which would then suggest the existence of God. Thus in situations where there is no direct evidence, people tend to use indirect evidence to support their position (either as justification to suppose the existence or as evidence against). As a product one is left to their own personal convictions and I would suggest that one applies the method outlined above (that of positivist belief and burdon of proof) to these items of indirect evidence to decide for oneself.

The method outlined above, i.e. not believing a propostion without any evidence and being skeptical of the teaching, as a system for an individual to OBTAIN knowledge is called free thinking. As Bertrand Russell explained the difference between a freethinker and someone who is not "lies not in what opinions are held but in how they are held: instead of being held dogmatically, they are held tentatively, and with a consciousness that new evidence may at any moment lead to their abandonment. This is the way opinions are held in science..." Thus, my first argument here would be that science and religion are different in what is claimed, not the method of deriving belief. It is this way a scientist may find solace in religion and a theologist solace in science: each may question their beliefs in the same manner. And my second argument is that one should abandon any belief that is "dogmatically" held to be true simply because parents, friends or society claim it to be until one has personally derived a conclusion on the matter. Alternatively, accepting a belief on the basis of social conviction is, according to above, irrational. In the context of Mormonism if one does not have a testimony of the Gospel as revealed by the Holy Ghost (which would provide means of justification for you belief in the Gospel thus one would suppose the belief to be true) then one should not believe in the Gospel or any of its teachings. And one should certainly not preatch that they do have a testimony simply out of parental pressure or pressure from their youth leaders. Or in other words a testimony should be founded out of freethought and not communal faith, dogmas or family traditions or values or even church leaders. I would argue that while one certainly should not automatically or a priori reject these things, one should also not a priori accept them either without justification in doing so.

Meeting the Fam

Today was my cousins homecoming from serving an "honorable" (and I'm not questioning it was honorable I put the quotations around the honorable because thats what its called by the Church) Full time LDS Mission in Houston Texas.

The day started out with my father waking me up at seven in the morning to get dressed so that when my mother came home (she works the graveyard shift as a pool CNA for Intermoutain Healthcare of IHC) so that we could be up at Paradise, Utah (which is not even 10 minutes from Logan, UT but about an hour, hour twenty minutes drive from where I live) by the time their church started at 9:00 AM. Naturally I fell back asleep almost immediately after he left (infact I'm not even sure he even finished his sentence when I fell asleep), figuring I would have another fifteen minutes to sleep (but I knew I wouldn't wake up in fifteen minutes...) so when my mom came up I immediately popped out of bed and began getting dressed. It must be understood that I was working on adrenaline at this point and it quickly ran out as I almost fell back asleep (and I did fall down after putting weight on my leg), so as a result I was groggy. But, I got dressed in a reasonable amount of time and we were out a little past eight.

The drive up to Paradise (where my mom's family cabin is also and we go perhaps three times a year on average) is usually quite scenic-expecially so around this time of the year- but I slept the whole way up. But we got up there and in the Sacrament Meeting Room at 9:03 and right as the service was beginning. As my brother and I began to work our way to the back of the meeting hall (because, honestly, I can barely stand some of my aunts and uncles and very few of my cousins, the exceptions being a handful of those with their Ph.D's) my mom sat next to my aunt so my brother and I exchanged looks and we sat down. I don't really care sitting next to them, I really don't, because the only drawback is having them comment on how much I have grown, how handsome I am...etc (I have never understood WHY aunts give these empty comments, but there must be some genetic component that compells them give thier two cents about you-perhaps there is a quota that aunts and even uncles have to fill with their nieces and nephews. But this is unlikely considering I'm a recent uncle and I did not recieve any such order or instruction book.) Either way, I wanted to sit in the back so I could sleep in relative peace-which did not come so I did not sleep. However, I would like to make one note about what I have observed in the LDS church (I do not know if it happens in other churches because 1. I have not attended any other religions services, but I would like to and 2. I'm not sure if these other churches put their members in situations where this phenomenon will happen) when someone is asked to stand because they recieved a new call, they are new members, or when someone gets married, baptized and some other situations EVERYONE turns to look at the person. It baffles me everytime; some of these people have lived in the ward or have been in the congregation for years and yet everyone turns to look. I would not be surprised if the bishop were asked to sit down with his family (because he is asked to presided over the meeting up at the stand and not with his family) and then asked to stand everyone would STILL look despite looking at him every week. I suppose its just natural instint to look at something that is brought to our attention, perhaps has its origins when humans were governed by their natural instincts (i.e. the "fight or flight" scenario) and they would look to see if they would, well, fight or fly away. But everytime I take care not to look to see if I can; sometimes I fail, sometimes I don't. I just think the "practice" is funny, especially if the congregation as a whole can't find the person and they are looking frantically trying to find the small child or person who didn't hear their name the first time...etc.

After the "opening excercises" of the 1. opening prayer, 2. opening song and 3. ward and stake business (where most of the people stand up) the meeting then progresses to talks by the youth and adults. I went up to go the bathroom when the youth speaker began and my cousin began his talk when I came back, and I was not even gone 5 minutes (just goes to show that another practice in the Church, i.e. 30 second-2 minute talks from the youth, is a widespread practice.) I must say, I was impressed by my cousins talk: he improved it, said roughly twenty scriptures by memorization, and was able to name about another twenty scriptures that were relevant to what he was talking about from the top of his head and read them from his own copy. Also, in very much his fashion, he spoke fairly loudly (but not TOO loud, just right as Goldy Locks would say) and with pure conviction and fervour (but it was not annoying.) Needless to say he's a gifted public speaker. However what he spoke about was the typical missionary lessons given in the mission field (or what I remember from reading about from "Preatch my Gospel" manuel for the missionaries), so its not SURPRISING he was able to read off and had memorized his entire speech and scriptures because that was all he did for two years, but he did have it down perfectly.

After the sacrament meeting my mom took my brother and I up to my uncles house who lived on my other uncles farm land (actually it was my grandpas, so my uncles and mothers father, land and handed it over to one of the uncles, so his son) and I slept a blessed hour in thier nice house (which was a replica, in my opinion, of their OTHER house in Syracuse, but the design works).

After which we went over to my uncles house (the dairy farmer, or who took over after my grandpa) to do the typical meal and family and friend gathering to welcome home my cousin. Honestly I can't stand these "get-togethers" because 1. All my cousins are either too old to care about what I have to say or do or they are too young to do anything (but are INCREDIBLY fun to play with but that only happens on rare occasions for one reason or another) and 2. My aunts and uncles all carry the typical "cold niceness" from Mormons and I honestly feel that some of them don't really like me or my brother because either of past history with my father or we smell funny to them or SOMETHING. Either way the food was great and there was some good company, but I mainly spent the time with my brother. Despite these blows to my aunts and uncles and family in general they really are nice people, and today was just another proof of that.

I would like to give an example of what would appear to be the "farmers curse" (or at least it woudl be a curse to me): a farmers son will always be a farmer, usually the farm that his father owned. I have already given an example of my two uncles, and now the cousin that returned from his mission has plans on taking over the farm from my uncle. It just seems this family can't leave the farm (its interesting to note that there is only one original barn but the farm house is still standing and they still live in it; so in other words, my uncle has been living in that house for over 60 years!) I personally couldn't stand to live in a farming community, expecially in a community that has been in the family for the past 100 years, I swear. Even though its georgeous up there, it just seems like life screetches to halt and I can't stand that feeling. The only way I could stand it is if I could occupy my brain somehow, and farming does not seem the best vehicle to do so. Perhaps when I retire...?

Today was just an average Sunday: Church, family and a lot of napping, oh and food. And my testimony was strenghthened some, but that it is basic neurology that if one hears the same thing OVER AND OVER again it will become a belief and one will consider it true because that is trained on how you think (thats why unrestricted child behaviors continue into adulthood: it was how they were raised to think and behave and their brain will operate that way until "programmed" otherwise.) Perhaps this is why the Church keeps on repeating things over and over, but there is a feeling described as the "Spirit"; but that could just a rise in endorphens and an increase in blood pressure as one gets exited or emotional-but I feel this unlikely considering individuals in other societies feel the precise same thing, and I remember reading a report (I just can't remember where... :( ) that different cultures are taught to react differently to various things and to me it would seem unlikely that different cultures would react the same to this stimulus the same. On the other hand perhaps the Church as managed to find a method to utilize basic instincts. But to be fair it could also be the method in which God communicates, but that is a poor comparison since the conception of a God would superfluous-but there still IS a God in the model. Either way I felt good and I feel that it is the Spirit instead of a natural reaction-but I don't see why they can't be the same thing since God can't break his own laws of physics. Perhaps this feeling that it is God arises from being "trained" to think that way, but my point is I don't really know, and I feel we can't really know.

WARP TOUR

Today was the Vans Warp Tour in the Utah State Fair grounds in Salt Lake City, UT. I must say I was quite impressed with the bands there despite only being interested in a few of them. To say the least, it was a bitter-sweet experience however. Naturally I will begin at the beggining:

Last night I hardly slept (not even an hour), and the cause is most likely the pain. The Tour began at eleven but I carpooled with two girls (one driving) and another guy (a now exboyfriend of one of the girls) who each live in different cities so we had to leave a little earlier. The "nice" thing, or intitially, was that it was a linear pick-up system, i.e. the cities were relatively close to each other so it would be a fluid transisition in picking all of us up as we traveled to Salt Lake City (because all of us live progressively north of SLC.) However the "designated driver" had no idea where the other carpoolers lived so she came to my house first (which is intermediate of the other two) so I could direct her. So we went and picked up the other girl who lived south of me, and then we turned around and went north for about 10 minutes (and thats via the freeway) to pick up this other guy. Before I continue I would like to touch up on the relationship between this girl (i.e. the girl other than the driver) and this other guy: they were going out in a "boy friend-girlfriend relationship" after this girl had a rather dramatic separation from another guy; however these two hardly had a meaningful relationship to be honest. But "they" recently broke up after this girl told him that she did not want to be in that "type" of relationship, and he openly and rather annoyingly (given from her description, so I'm not going to attempt to objectively judge the situation) refused the breakup citing to "change." As a side note, this happened several days PRIOR to the concert, and interestingly enough going to the Tour was her birthday present to this guy; needless to say things were rather awkward between these two. In addition, the driver and I have a minor history together, but that was dramatically severed after I told her I didn't like her more than a friend, so that added to the group dynamic. However I would say that we handled the situation well, as did the other two-so they deserve an around of applause!

But we arrived in Salt Lake actually a little before eleven despite the awkward pick up but parking was rather difficult to arrive at. As a result, we had to park about five blocks away which made my stomach sink some because of my leg and I knew that I was going to do plenty of walking inside the tour. But I didn't expect anything different (but I fervently hoped), so we walked to the Fair Grounds (as a humorous sidenote I had to use the bathroom so we stopped by someone's house so I could use it. The place smelled of the distince smell of urine, which the owner embarassedly explained was a result of her child having an accident. This is not a particular problem to me, and the experience was flavored up some by the rambuncious dogs and the INCREDIBLE manners of the home owners. It really was a happy home-that incedentally smelt of urine.) As we got to the gate there naturally was a long line but it was not stop-and-go as is hallmark with unusually long lines: it moved quite fluidly and at the pace of normal walking so no particular complaint there. I would like to make a comment on the people that I was surrounded with and totally disqualify a social assumption: the entire specturm of stereotypical "emos" and "goths" were seen, complete with "long hair", tight pants, some makeup, bandanas, band shirts (which should come to no surprise...)..etc. Some conservatives would claim these youth were "hostile looking" or "intimidating" and even some quote-un-quote ultra conservatives would claim as "bad". I saw ABSOLUTELY NO evidence to back up these claims-In fact I would go as far as to claim that these flamboyant individuals (which they truely were) were even more welcoming, considerate and humble than most of the people I associate with at chruch. Of course there are exceptions to both sides but from the sample that I interacted with and observed (which in my opinion was quite large-but I wouldn't take me too seriously given that I'm the only one claiming that I did) this generalization seems fitting. Thus the stereotype of a person being "bad" based SOLEY on hair, clothing, taste in music...etc, in my opinion, is completely fallicious and literally not rationally based and to believe so is more of a social menace than what this group is usually associated with.

To be honest the music of the bands is not my first choice, but I really did enjoy it. However my favorite perfomance that I saw (and I saw about six) was Maylene and The Sons of Destruction, and whose band members carried the stereotypical look of those from the South (they hail from Alabama)-with beards and long hair (I was honestly surprised I did not see a Lyndard Skynard shirt on any of them lol), but I feel that they looks really cool. They are really quite the people too (or based from their stage performance), and I derive this conclusion based from how the members interacted and talked to the audience: the main singer would get off stage and went around and gave hive fives to some of the audience members, and in some cases hugs. Also, the way in which they addressed the audience was respectful and I was quite impressed with their demeanor and stage antics. In addition the music was FANTASTIC. After them I saw A Day to Remember (which I don't really have a taste for), but they were better live I felt. At this point kids began to mosh pit-which in my opinion is completely ridiculus and pointless, but endlessly entertaining and fertile ground for mockery in the way they would systematically swing their arms randomly (its not an oxymoron).

However, the social antics in my carpool did not end at the car trip. I left the group shortly after we arrived to see some of my other acquaintences and my little brother and his personal group, but in addition there was a slight agenda to get away from 1. the group as a whole due to the awkwardness of the situation 2. get away from the other guy who would follow me around because honestly he is a drag and quite boring. So throughout the whole Tour I would break up with the group and find this other group who I would only stay with for about five minutes because honestly they bore me too so I would limp from one stage to the next watching perfomances alone and listen to the music and watching the crowds and the people (the only evidence that I could find to support these people as bad would be the language-but to me that is relatively low on the list compared to other things like judging or racism...etc.) Honestly that was the funnest times of the Tour-parusing through the lines of tents and looking at the facsinating band shirts and listening to the music by myself.

But Warp Tour is like Woodstock '69 (which I would have done ANYTHING to be at, cause that IS my first choice of music) in more ways than one: the water and food conditions. Some bottles of water were four, five sometimes six dollars. Fortunately I brought my own backpack loaded with water bottles so I was set with water-but I did have the other problem of it being incredibly warm. Also, food was rediculously priced and so I hardly have eaten anything today (because I foolishly didn't eat breakfast). So when we finally left we headed over to a 7/11 and I bought a double big gulp.

When I was not listening to the music (or standing or sitting and listening to the music to be more precise, pretty much anywhere you went you heard some band playing at the nearby stage) I was looking for an As I Lay Dying shirt for a girl I know. I kid you not I went up and down the lines of tents at least fifteen times in attempt to look for these shirts to no avail. The reason I searched so fervently is NOT because I have an affectionate tie to this girl (although she is cute), but it gave me something to 1. distract from the leg and 2. think about and "solve" (i.e. the problem of where the shirt is.) But I did see a sign that said the band was doing signing at 2:30 so I decided to get her an autographed poster instead of a shirt (which then saved me more money to buy me another shirt, but she promised to pay me back so that was not the primary concern. By the way, I got a Family Force 5 and Maylene and Sons of Destruction shirts.) By the time I got to the linup, which was around 2:15 because the sign said to get there early, the line was already 100 people long (which didn't surprise too much.) So, I went up to a group of girls about a third of the way away from the signing tent and asked if I could be infront of them because it hurts to stand (which is completely true, but it was more of a manipulation tactic because I had no desire to stand there that long for a band I don't particularly like-but I told her I would and she is my friend so I decided to do it.) They said yes (to my shock) and so I didn't have to wait TOO long. As a side note, don't criticize As I Lay Dying based on the personalities of the bandmembers or their appearance because based on my experience they are some of the nicest people I have ever met (which by this time did not surprise me at all.) Now I just have to give that one girl the poster.

But, from the lack of GOOD water and lack of interest in the music anymore (I actually wanted to stay to see Family Force 5 but the others were reluctant to stay until the 7:30 showing) we left. By that time was leg was in incredible pain, I was becoming dehydrated and I did not sleep so I argued that we just go home (in hopes that I would be taken home.) But the others wanted to stick around and "party" as they put it-which, honestly, came as a surprise to me because of the whole boyfriend-girlfriend dynamic that was going on and it was pretty obvious to me that no one was having fun. But, half joking I still argued they let me home, and to my surprise they actually did, which meant driving on the freeway for about 15 min from where we were to my house. So, they gave me some trouble for being a party pooper but honestly I did just want to go home, and expecially since the activities they suggested doing involved more walking. So, they dropped me off and now I'm just resting my leg and about to take a hot bath to relax the muscles around my nerves as I finish publishing this post.

In conclusion, today was interesting on many experiencial dimensions but as a byproduct there was some bitterness on my part, but also some pure delight. I wouldn't take it back if I could, but wouldn't necessarily go through all the parts again.

Fun on the Softball Field

So today I volunteered at the LDS Hospital in Salt Lake City (part of the Intermountain Healthcare Urban Center hospitals) as a junior volunteer (today would be my third time volunteering out of nine times.) Spent an hour in the library researching one of my only loves: medicine (more specifically infectious diseases, and to be more precise fetal and neonatal infections and I also did some research on fever of unknown origin.) Actually, I spent an hour in the morning before my three and half hour shift and two hours after my shift because I had to wait for my mom to come pick me up. I must say I was genuinely happy flipping through journals and textbooks, taking notes (and I was proud of myself for understanding, to a certain degree, what the contents were. Or in other words I did learn something.) I have also decided that I will do a pediatrics residency, become board certified by the American Board of Pediatrics, and then pursue a pediatric infectious disease fellowship and also become board certified so that I may land a position at a medical school to 1. Teach at the medical school, residents and mainly fellows, 2. Conduct original research on fetal and neonatal infectious diseases, 3. Serve as a clinician at the outpatient clinic for pediatric infectious diseases and 4. Serve as a consulting physician for inpatient cases. Sounds like a lot, which it is, but as my understanding is it is a standard position and responsibilites for a specialist like that at an institution like that (here in Utah it would be the University of Utah School of Medicine.) But it is my life's mission to fill that position.

Once I came home I chilled for a little bit and afterwhich I contacted several friends from my early childhood up to 8th grade. Now I must give a brief history: I have been friends with these kids since kindergarten but in 9th grade after I left for a charter school (the Northern Utah Academy for Math, Engineering and Science or NUAMES) and they didn't, social and accademic differences separated us. So, as a consequence I only hang out with these guys on occasions. But today I decided I would be happy despite the pain so I contacted them (every time I do contact them I always regret the decision for one reason or another.) So they picked me up and we went to the local Wal Mart where they bought drinks then we headed over to one of their sisters homes so he could play with his nephew. His nephew is a brat on every dimension and every possible formuation of the defition, but it was amusing to watch as my friend tried to cope with it. At the same time my othe friend and I played with his little niece (so the sister of the brat) who, I must say, is the coolest little girl I have ever met. She has the most addictive laugh I have ever heard and is actually quite adorable. Its interesting that the boy would end up being the brat-it defies the standard stereotype.

After his sisters house we went over to the local stake center to play softball (it also seems I always regret playing softball or going to mutual in general because of being socially excluded or it just puts too much strain on my leg and I always end up going home literally crying-and I don't really cry.) But, today I was trying to do things that I normally wouldn't want to do to be "happy" (but now I know why I don't do things I don't want to do...) so I went to softball. Things started off well, we all were laughing and cracking jokes cause they can actually be quite relatable on rare occasions, but the way I was pitching my leg began to hurt some. And for some reason I was unable to keep the ball in my mitt so that was quite frustrating. But, I pitched a baseball to actually one of my friends that I was hanging out with and the ball came and hit my crippled leg (which by the way has extensive nerve damage and some muscle deterioration-which causes CONSTANT pain alone that is hardly manageable itself), but the ball hit so hard that it broke the skin. So naturally this knocked me down on the ground and instantly I wanted to cry but instead I started to laugh as a cover up-but everyone else, the people who are supposed to be my "brothers" were literally laughing. And I must admit it was one of the worst pains I have ever felt, and could barely move and they were laughing. But, I composed myself the best I could and got up and started to pitch some more but I was horribly nauseated. Needless to say my pitching was lacking and so someone offered that they pitch instead of me and I limped to the dug out. There I began to shake, and I felt my pulse and it ended up being around 110 and I started to sweat (well cold sweat cause before I was just sweating because of the hot sun.) So, I sat there for about fifteen minutes while the game went on. Then one of my good buddies, perhaps the ONLY kid I enjoy in my quorem, offered to give me a ride and I graciously accepted (I would have asked my friend that took me there but he was playing the game.)

But when I got home I immediately threw up and my dad came rushing in and I took some pain medications which lowered the incredible pain to just pain that I would experience on a bad day. What really annoys me is I honestly don't think my church leaders and other quorem members believe I'm in pain. So, I feel that they figured the intense pain was from being hit by the baseball, when in reality it wasn't. But on the other hand I'm used to it cause every week I have to sit there and repeat over and over again that I'm not going to campouts because of my leg. Its getting to the point where I would use any excuse not to attend Priesthood.

To say the least, today was a really good day but it would counter balanced by it being a horrible day pain wise and I'm sure I will be quite soar for the next couple days. Which is a particular bummer considering I'm going to Warp Tour. Also, I really miss my good friend Savannah (nicknamed Savvi for short) so thats not helping any either :(